Dating isn’t easy. We meet people where we meet them and just hope that the synchronicity of the stars and planets align so that we can enjoy something real, or meaningful.
Whatever our journey with someone is, there is always something to learn about ourselves and human nature. So whatever the outcome, it is a win-win situation.
However, there is one common mistake people dating often make and that is not recognising the red flags that signal something isn’t right. For a plethora of reasons, we ignore the red flags which, if yielded, could actually save us a lot of time and avoid a lot of heartache if only we paid attention.
And the best part? The universe is actually doing a beautiful job of showing you the ‘signs’ along the way to help you know if something or someone is for you.
So what are the signs or red flags in dating?
You are a smart woman with a good head on your shoulders but even the best of us can be blinded by passion, chemistry and hope. If your spidey senses are somewhat muted and you have lost the ability to see things clearly, these 20 tell-tale signs of a guy that you should not be investing one second more with, will help open up your eyes and quote honestly, wake you the fuck up.
1. He Doesn’t Call You By Your Name
Don’t underestimate the power of a guy using your name. A person’s name is the greatest connection to their own identity and how people perceive you. If you are getting babe, baby, sweetheart, beautiful, dear or whatever….know that this is a huge sign that he is not connected with ‘you’.
Pet names also help him to not get it ‘wrong’ in the bedroom and call you by someone else’s name (which I have heard happen to several people I know).
Creating a false sense of intimacy by using cute nicknames and monikers really is a shallow attempt to pass off as someone who gives a fuck. He doesn’t.
2. He Is Not Consistent
Consistency in life means that you are reliable and can be counted on. It means that someone is trustworthy and you know where you stand with them. So the opposite applies when someone is not.
Hot and cold, on/off behaviour is extremely confusing for our soul and leaves us in a state of uncertainty and unknowing which can lead to anxiety and vulnerability.
When things are flowing, he’s talking about travelling to Iceland or Milan, but when push comes to shove and you present him with all the research on the trip, he goes quiet and the adventure is never mentioned again or fobbed off as being unrealistic. Or he will buy the tickets to the event in a week’s time, but when the actual time comes to go, he’s too tired.
Note that he will say just enough so that you remain hopeful and feel OK, but in reality all he is actually doing is blowing hot air out his mouth.
Either way, you’re going to get hurt if you don’t wise up.
3. He Claims You Guys Are Exclusive But He’s Still Online
Dating in today’s world tends to lend itself to the idea of entertaining more than one potential partner, or at the very least, potential mates are easily and swiftly replaced by simply swiping right. The pool appears huge and on the surface, able to fulfill whatever your needs may be. It has become a little cold and disconnected to say the least.
But the bottom line is, there’s a big difference between a good (honest) guy looking to play the field and a dude who’s just looking to play with you and your emotions.
If he’s on Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid or Match (or any other dating site) and there’s been no discussion of exclusivity, that’s fine. You both know where you stand.
But if he’s telling you there’s no one else, you are his girlfriend – then you need to completely understand what his definition of girlfriend is and ascertain if that is inline with how you define that term.
Let’s get a little more clear on this.
Maybe he has suspended his account and removed himself from the dating site and you guys have agreed you are exclusive – great! However, if he is still uber connected to a huge pool of females via Facebook groups, WhatsApp, or receives messages often from ex-girlfriends who he deems as ‘friends’ that is an enormous red flag when dating.
There is a huge difference between a guy who has made the switch from the ‘post-divorce single-guy’ mode’ to someone who is ‘post-divorce looking for a real relationship’ mode. And yes, of course, we never know what will become of the relationship (life is unpredictable) but the point is, and what you should attune your attention to, is the intention of the guy and if that is in tune with your values, principles and needs.
Emotionally unavailable men will stay in the ‘single not attached to anyone mode’ for as long as they can get away with it – and they can. That is their choice, do not take it personally.
However, if you develop feelings for someone (and most women do because of our biological makeup) know that if the same isn’t being returned, you will feel pretty rubbish, pretty soon. Bring some awareness to this and adjust your expectations of this guy or better still, let him go.
4. Listen To What Is Actually Being Said
Instead of minimizing and ignoring the actual real words of what he is saying, connect to exactly what he is saying. For example, when he says “I am not a committed type of guy”, don’t let your mind go to, oh he didn’t find his true love yet. Or if he says he hasn’t fallen in love post divorce (and it has been a number of years), HEAR it! He is telling you the truth. Don’t dress it up in heels and a tiara to make it something that it isn’t. Get fucking real.
5. He’s Is Not Transparent & Withholds Info
It is not like he is lying per se, but he is definitely frugal with the facts and truth.
He says things like, “oh, I spoke to a friend last night” or “I went to a party”, or “I am invited for dinner on Friday night” but never really gives you any real information or details.
What’s that noise you ask? Listen, it’s the giant red flag flapping in the wind.
The friend’s name is missing, the dinner invite has no details and the party, well you’re not invited; all the finite details of the events are left out – he ‘aint a sharer. Withholding information is a way that he controls the cadence of the relationship which TBH, is not slow steady growth to togetherness but slow, steady road to nowhere.
And if you start having to ask for the information, you are going to look needy, even if you are not a needy person. If someone doesn’t freely ‘share’ information then they are as shady as shit!
6. He Is A Player
This information may have even come from him! If you suspect that your new beau is someone who is addicted to the attention of women and definitely a Warren Beattyesque (pre Annette Benning) type of guy, then wise up and let your fantasies of who you think that this guy is versus the reality, fly out the fucking window. You might be the most incredible, beautiful woman on the planet but don’t go into a situation with a game-player expecting to be the game-changer.
Synchronicity is key in the dance of love and life, where you meet someone is where you meet someone – don’t try fuck with the universe and make it into something that it is not.
7. He Talks About Letting Down Other Women
If he says he’s always failed women or has never met someone worthy of being monogamous with, that he didn’t meet any of his previous girlfriends family or children, that he cannot promise you anything about the future – pay attention. If this is also happening to you, take a step back….a big fucking step.
8. He Talks About All Women As A Collective, And It Isn’t Particularly Positive
If your guy is making blanket statements suggesting that ‘all’ women are gold diggers/tantrum throwers/cheaters/delusional/drama queens or any other negative connotation, understand that there will be a massive respect disconnect. You can’t possibly be the one woman who is different, no matter what he tells you because this is how he is wired up when it comes to his perception of women and what part they play in his world.
The only real hope here is that they seek therapy. If not, then these emotionally stunted men need to crawl back in their cave and grow the fuck up.
9. He Talks About His Exes – A Lot!
This shows that he is completely insensitive to you and your feelings. Why would you want to hear about any of his exes? What possible benefit would you garner from such information? I’ll tell you – NONE! If you find yourself in a situation where every story involves an ex, you will begin to dread when the next story and subsequent mention of an ex is coming and it will cause you anxiety or at the least a lot of eye-rolling and WTF’s. Someone who isn’t in tune with your feelings is not someone that you can build anything with. Period.
10. He Doesn’t Remember The Plans You Made
If he has a job, and functions effectively in a professional capacity and other aspects of his life, then he knows what time 11am is. So an 11am brunch date should not mean a 12.30 pick cos they forgot you had arranged a time. If they did this at work they would be fired. If your guy doesn’t ‘remember’ when you are meeting – you are not significant or important. Bow the fuck out. Fast.
11. You Don’t Meet His Friends (And He Doesn’t Want To Meet Yours)
This is not a red flag, but a loud siren blaring, big red fire engine! It doesn’t matter what he tells you or how nice he is, if he’s not opening up his world (and willing to become a part of yours) he’s not planning to stay around for any length of time. You are in his pocket. Make no mistake on this one, this is where you are going to live – forever – until this guy decides he is emotionally available for a real relationship which chances are, is NEVER!
12. All His Friends Are Women
If a guy only hangs out with women, and some of those women are ex lovers – pay close attention. This screams of low self-esteem and someone who has a massive confidence issue. Attention whoring of any kind is a sign of insecurity. The need to be surrounded by mainly female attention demonstrates a strong need for validation; and this issue started way before you even came on the scene. Probably from childhood and unless they want to fix this, you will be playing second fiddle to any of the many women who consider this guy a possible option still. Being one of many versus the one and only is a hard place to sit no matter how confident and amazingly independent you are.
13. He Drops Off The Grid Often
Men who are interested and serious about you are not going to leave you alone for days at a time. We live in the age of ‘easy’ communication and even if they tell you they don’t like communicating on WhatsApp or similar, maybe you do. It doesn’t take much to send a small emoji to say hi and never underestimate the power of a good morning or good night text, it says ‘I am thinking of you’ which is normal if the guy is into you.
It is all about effort and if the intention isn’t there then you are not going to get what you need to feel seen and wanted. Ask yourself if you are happy with being picked up and dropped off when it suits him? Seriously, there are toy stores out there for such immature beings – go buy a barbie doll.
14. He Has A Goodie Drawer
Extra toothbrushes? Yup. Lube? Yup. A super-sized half-empty box of condoms? Yup. Spider-sense on high alert, player in the midst. Run.
15. His ‘Jokes’ Are Rude
Whether it’s objectifying comments about your body parts, immature sexual references or digs about your personality or intellect, belittling comments that make you feel uncomfortable do not suddenly become respectful just because he laughs.
And if he keeps repeating them, once it becomes obvious you are not OK with his ‘jokes’, this is downright rude (and stupid). Anyone with an ounce of empathy would ‘feel’ that they didn’t make you feel good. That is the key – empathy. If your guy has none, this is a massive red flag in dating because you will truly never be seen and your needs really amount to jack shit.
16. You Really Know Nothing About Him
Yes, you have a great time together, but how much do you really know about him? Sharing time is fun, but unless actual ‘warm’ information is being exchanged, there is no true connection being built.
Tune into the conversation and register fully with what is being shared. If the convo is about ‘cold’ things and no real ‘warm’ emotional things are being shared, this guy is probably emotionally unavailable. Talking about investments and Bitcoin isn’t something that is likely to sustain any kind of meaningful relationship and TBH, is a fucking boring night out. Yawn.
17. What Is The Feedback From Your Friends?
Take note: Love is blind and lust is ignorant. If objective eyes are questioning who the fuck this guy and why you are staying in a situation that is to be honest – bizarre and odd, then know that they are onto something and you should listen.
18. He Won’t Make Future Plans
Getting him to commit to anything that’s beyond 48 hours away will give him anxiety.
48 hours – watch his face when you mention a weekend break in Milan ‘next month’ – he will practically vomit! These kinds of guys are live-in-the-moment dudes because they are simply pleasure seekers. They want immediate gratification, when they want it, whether that be from food, drugs, sex or women, they are not reliable, boyfriend kind of material because they are out for what they can get for THEMSELVES. It is not a 2-way street. This is all about them.
19. Things Just Don’t Make Sense
There’s a reason illogical comments, offensive jokes and odd behaviour leave us feeling we are involved in ‘drama’ and ‘anxiety’ because for the most part, we live in a logical world. When something doesn’t make sense it’s usually because there’s more to the story, or worse, the story isn’t true.
20. You Just Feel The Vibe Is Off
When you are together and talking, you are having fun. However, when he’s not around, you’re feeling more anxiety than butterflies. In fact, your butterflies have died and gone to butterfly heaven!
Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”. You feel off, notice that shit.
Trust yourself. You are your biggest advocate and cheerleader, don’t sell yourself short by ignoring your beautiful mother nature-inspired instincts.
Red Flags When Dating: The Take Home
I suggest if you are in the throws of dating and feel something is off, dig deep into your instincts. They will guide you and ultimately protect you. Pay attention to those inner feelings and do not negate your intuition. You’re a grown, intelligent woman, you know when someone is acting strange. By setting stronger boundaries, paying attention to the red flags, and staying connected with your feelings it will empower you to navigate this more easily.
Waiting for him to define the relationship is BS. No one person should ever feel like they are getting less out of the relationship, or that they cannot address their needs.
Don’t be afraid to ask the questions that are bothering you. Surprisingly, you will get the answers you need to help you decide whether or not to continue giving your precious time and energy to someone who may well not deserve a moment longer.
Truth is, if you have to ask the question, you have already lost. Mark Mansen wrote an incredible article about the grey area of dating. If his beahviour isn’t showing you a Fuck Yes, then you are a Fuck No.
Just open your eyes and ears – all the signs are there.
Caveat:
While this piece is written for the ladies, this can apply to guys also.
However, we are different.
Caveat #2
When a guy is truly into you, there will be no need for you to do the pursuing. Men are hunters and they know how to hunt, they are born to pursue women. When he really wants you, you won’t have to chase after him. You, and the potential relationship, will be a priority to him. If it isn’t, ask yourself, why are you there?
The truth to that will set you free.
If in doubt, out.
