Been There, Done That – Had The Panic Attack!

My first panic attack resulted in me being blue-lighted to hospital. My second left me a desperate mess. Both changed me forever. 

When you look fear straight in the face, panic is the natural response. When you stare it down and it retreats, somehow life is never quite the same. 

It took me a while to pluck up the courage to write this. Something about the stigma associated with a panic attack left me feeling it was shameful or weak. I have to come to learn that that is not the case at all. In fact, it is quite the opposite. 

Over 113,000 people search Google every day for the term  ‘panic attack’. I know that I am not alone. So I got over myself and decided to share my experience. I hope that this goes some way in helping us all be kinder and wiser when it comes to the challenges of being human.

Came From Nowhere

My first panic attack came at a time when on the ‘outside’ I was doing great. I had survived a particularly ugly divorce and life was settling from ‘survival’ mode to some kind of normality. It started mid-morning at work and initially, it felt like I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. Deep breathing wasn’t helping, trying to relax was a waste of time. Very quickly I began to lose feeling in my arms, then my legs. I felt I was floating in and out of consciousness. I could hear everything, but I could not respond.

If you have ever had a panic attack you will understand the sheer magnitude of just how debilitating they are. Whatever your trigger, the symptoms are terrifying.

My work colleague called an ambulance. 

As the ambulance raced me to the hospital, my heart was beating it’s own super fast rhythm which I now realise was dangerously close to being a big issue. There was nothing I could do, my body was doing what it wanted. I remember thinking this is how I was going to die. 

I could hear the paramedic saying my name and asking me to ‘stay with him’. I was just still. I didn’t say a word. I had let go. Total surrender. After several years of ‘surviving’, my body had finally caught up with me and I literally just crashed. I remember feeling accepting of whatever was coming my way. And I felt at peace with it. It sounds dramatic but this is how it was. 

I can barely recall arriving at the hospital. Apparently, they did many tests. They gave me Ventolin to open my airways and finally, after many hours, told me I very likely had had a panic attack which triggered an asthmatic episode. 

I left the hospital five hours later and I have never been so exhausted. I felt so weak, wiped out and humbled. Life had taken my legs and my world had quite literally stopped. 

Seriously, WTF had just happened I thought. 

I took the next day off work. Then rested over the weekend. 

Sunday came and I knew I had to go back to work (my working week starts on a Sunday). The panic started to rise as I was getting ready. The thought of “I can’t do this” came into my head more than once. I looked at myself in the mirror and I made a decision right then and there – this was not going to control me. I knew if I gave in to it, I would be done for. As a single mum, responsible for my 4 children and the only breadwinner in my home….there was no room for succumbing to the panic. I was very clear with myself on this. Each time the panic started to rise, I reminded myself of my responsibilities and where I didn’t want to go. This was my anchor.

As I drove to work, my body trembled the whole way and at times I slowed the car right down because I didn’t think I would make it. I felt any moment that I would have to pull over and stop.

I wound the windows down and let the wind do its thing and I began to have a natural instinct to talk out loud. So I did. 

I talked myself all the way to work. I spoke out loud about the car I was in, the view I could see, the people in other cars, the weather, the road I was driving on, the sky…..….anything. I connected all my senses to help root me in the present moment. 

My 35 minute commute took me almost an hour and when I finally managed to park my car, I was shaking uncontrollably. It took me another 15 minutes to actually leave my car and get into the office.

But I did it. 

I now realise that what I did instinctively, is actually the fundamentals of CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). I have never had CBT and don’t know how it kicked in but I am grateful it did.  

That first day back at work was a HUGE milestone. The panic kept rearing up but somehow the distraction of work was a welcome relief. From there, my recovery was a step-by-step unravelling and it took me a few weeks to be able to function without the rising panic seriously affecting my quality of life. 

One day, about a month later, I realised I hadn’t felt the symptoms for a while and I knew I had conquered it. For the time being at least.

That was 3 years ago. 

Panic Came To Visit Again

So when it happened again last week, I was ready. Triggered by some very personal challenges of the heart, the panic was immediately palpable. I was very quickly reacquainted with the familiar feelings and changes within my body that panic brings – the trembling, lack of air, sweating, butterflies in my stomach, loss of sensation in my arms and legs, and a feeling that I was going to pass out.  

This time, my instinct was to move. So I moved. I started walking around…..I swang my arms, I jumped up and down. When I felt that this wasn’t working I started walking. When this didn’t help, I walked faster. When this didn’t help I actually ran around my house. And when this didn’t help, I ran to my BFF who lives close by and I asked her to just hold me – she did. She didn’t let go until it passed. 

And it passed. 90 seconds of hell, but it passed. 

Over the next week, it reared up many more times. And again, I moved. I talked. 

However, with this panic attack I went one step further….I welcomed it in and made ‘space’ for it. I saw it. I did not try to push it away. I realised that the universe was sending me a message for another opportunity to grow and learn so I grabbed the chance. 

I was not shy to ask for help either. I reached out to all the women I love and trust and they held me – physically, emotionally and spiritually. Every cry from my broken heart was answered. Don’t ever underestimate the power of love!

It is said that we are the average of the five people we surround ourselves with…..then this means I am fu**ing awesome! My beautiful family and friends did not disappoint in my time of need and I will be eternally grateful.

Signs That Something Needs Changing

I think panic attacks are a sign that something needs readjusting or balancing in your life. They are an emergency stop in the road of life to help realign your bearings so that you can continue forward in the right direction. 

There were maybe other signs before the big panic but I failed to notice them. Staying in tune with your emotional and physical wellbeing is paramount to ensure you stay on track in life. Listen to what your body and mind are telling you and stay true to yourself. 

Life is like a glass of champagne….the bubbles come up eventually so stay authentic and keep it real.  

Roar Back!

I have actually come to think of a panic attack as a badge of honour on our way to authenticity and being really connected to who we are. My badges of honour have shaped who I am and feel rather privileged to have stared fear in the face and roared back! Resilient? Me? Hell yes, it is my new middle name. 

I have no idea if and when panic attacks may come to visit me again, who knows what life has in store. But I know one thing – I’m ready. And I know it will pass. 90 seconds….I’ve got this.