Love bombing. Sounds wonderful right? Well, in the dating world chances are, this is not something that is going to end with roses around your door. Instead, this could be a road to hell if you aren’t careful.
For some, jumping in at the deep end when starting a new relationship is natural whilst for others it’s a slow burn. The cadence is different for everyone. And whilst a fast-paced relationship can be exciting, passionate and feel like you are living in a Hollywood movie, in some cases it can be the sign of something dangerously unhealthy.
Love bombing is a common approach often used by narcissists to lure in their next love interest (AKA victim) leaving your romantic dreams in tatters and you living in your craziest nightmare.
If you are thinking of dating, already in the dating scene, or worse still, you think you may be the victim of a love bomber, read on!
What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is when someone showers a new partner with ‘over-the-top’ displays of flattery, affection and attention early on in a relationship. It’s main aim is manipulation in order to ensnare the recipient deeper into a relationship, which often turns unhealthy shortly thereafter.
Love bombing is a type of emotional manipulation employed to gain power over a person by showering them with what appears to be tons of affection and attention. Anyone can be a love bomber, however, research suggests that the most common offenders suffer from unhealthy attachment issues or characteristic traits associated with narcissism.
Love-bombers idealize people but it is bordering on obsessive types of behavior. The attention they give you is abnormal and whilst it may be called love bombing, it has nothing to do with love.
What Does Love Bombing Really Look Like?
Love bombing is grand. These guys are going big. In the dating world, these guys supersize their order.
It will appear in the guise of grandiose gestures and constant complimenting. This could be telling you how much they want to see you or hang out with you, breathtaking declarations of love and devotion, or a bombardment of fancy gifts. This is incredibly challenging to navigate because it can look and feel the way most humans would like to feel in a relationship – seen, adored, and of course, loved.
However, whilst it may resemble and be mistaken for the honeymoon phase usually experienced at the beginning of a relationship, the two are vastly polar opposites.
In a healthy honeymoon stage, love is demonstrated by an eagerness and fascination to focus on the likes/dislikes, desires, needs, and interests of the other person, with behaviors falling under the umbrella of thoughtful, not with a purpose to impress category. On the flip side, love-bombers are focused on themselves and their needs showering their partner with abnormal attention to gain recognition from them and others for themselves.
Love bombing is based on a need to control, form dependency and generate idealization. The fabricated smooth charm, flattery-filled comments, and ego-stroking behaviors are engaged to promote a level of euphoria in the victim which leaves their emotional mind reeling often overriding their rational mind, so they don’t see the obvious of what is right in front of them.
Seasoned love-bombers work hard to create the belief in your mind of what an incredible person they are, and make you question how empty your life was without them. Such thoughts are the perfect food to fill the hungry appetite of the controlling, empty narcissist – you are his dream.
There will be mixed emotions. At first, you may feel like you are in a romantic love story, being swept off your feet. You become way too close way too soon and whilst it is all very exciting and butterfly-generating, it is very hard to slow it down and stop it – you find yourself in free fall.
Yet, throughout all the excitement and love blindness, if you listen closely, the niggly voice is there. It is saying – this is too good to be true and if something feels like that, trust me, it is. It is not real.
Love Bombing Signs
If your new beau is showing signs that trigger your ‘too good to be true instincts’, lean in and pay attention. Granted, he may well be just totally into you but if something feels off, it very likely is. Trust your intuition.
If you need a little clarification, these are some of the classic signs of love bombing.
1. You Will Be Bombarded With Compliments
Who doesn’t like to be complimented? Of course, we all do. It is for sure flattering and for the most part, thoughtful. However, a love-bomber will become overwhelmed with their compliments. Watch out for smooth-talking lines such as “I’ve never met anyone more beautiful than you” or “My life is complete now that you’re in it” “I’ve waited five years to feel like this”, or “I haven’t felt like this since I fell in love with my ex-wife”.
Moreover, this compliment bombardment is also designed to bait you into returning the favor. Think about it, how many times can someone compliment you before you feel that you have to reciprocate? It is natural that we would. So, understanding their motivation behind such behavior helps you see this more clearly and grasp that this is not conducive to heading towards something healthy.
2. It Feels Intense And Disproportionate
Feeling easy and comfortable with a date or new partner quickly may be a great indication that you found yourself a good guy. However, saying “I love you”, making plans to meet the parents or your children, talking of moving in together, or getting married early on can be signs your partner is trying too hard to get close before fully knowing who you are.
Love-bombers go in strong and swift. You talk about everything, and it feels both awkward and natural. The cadence will move way faster than it should and this should signal a huge red flag when dating. This is heightened if the feelings are not reciprocated.
A friend told me on one date, within 45 seconds of meeting him, he was taking a ‘first date’ selfie and within the hour asking “What do you think your children would think of me as a step-dad?”. Like WTF? This is not normal and in no way is this the path to building a healthy, happy, long-term relationship.
Let those spider senses go to work, they will guide you.
3. They Command A Lot Of Attention
The driving goal of love-bombers is to garner envy from those outside looking in whilst generating intense attention, acknowledgment, and affection for themselves. In return for the many ‘over-the-top’ gestures, compliments, and unwarranted validation of you and the relationship, they will expect to not just be thanked but glorified, lauded and worshipped.
Listen out for statements like,”I want to see my partner as often as I can” (note the ‘I’ versus a ‘we’ and the word want!), or, ask for a date the next day or even more obviously, give you access to their apartment stating that they would love you to be there every night when they arrive from work. These demands will be extravagant and in line with their needs, not yours – which to be honest, are not really relevant to a love bomber.
4. Check In With Their Empathy Levels
Watch out for signs of a lack of empathy. A lack of empathy is synonymous with narcissistic personalities. If within the hour on your first date, you know how he met his ex-wife and that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen; all the names of his previous girlfriends and that he has spoken to literally hundreds of women so he understands a woman’s psyche, this is not someone who is in tune with considering your feelings. Such information is irrelevant on your first few dates and shows that he is unsympathetic or insensitive to your feelings. This is a huge red flag.
Other Familiar Signs:
- They shower you with over-the-top gestures.
- They are smooth talkers and say the words you want to hear.
- Listen out for terms like “soulmate” or “I’m addicted to you”.
- They talk/push for commitment early on in the relationship.
- They don’t accept you setting boundaries well.
- They are actually very insecure and needy.
- Inappropriate PDA’s E.g. Ear nibbling in the middle of the restaurant, dancing to a song in the middle of the cafe…weird shit like that!
How Long Does Love Bombing Last?
Love bombing doesn’t have a specific timeline, it can last any given amount of time and mainly lasts until the recipient becomes aware of it. If you are lucky, you will catch it early on and save yourself a lot of heartache. If your love-bomber is a professional, you could find yourself months in, having fallen in love and in a situation that has spiraled into something a little more challenging to get out of. The most important thing is that you recognize it and take action to remove yourself from the unhealthy situation.
What To Do If You Are Being Love-Bombed
If you suspect you’re on a date with a love-bomber, or even worse, deep into the relationship and starting to have feelings for him, it is essential you wake the fuck up. Seriously, start connecting to reality.
Action is needed to stop yourself from going down the slippery slope to living in the land of Narcissism, not to be confused with Narnia – it is nowhere near as beautiful.
You will need to start communicating, setting clear and healthy boundaries and sharing with those you trust to help you navigate the love bombing scenario you have found yourself in. Placing limitations on the times you spend together, and replying to overwhelming texts at a pace that is comfortable for you are good starting points.
Communicate
You must speak out and communicate firmly that you do not want to speed through the relationship. This is their chance to show you that they see you, respect you and honor your feelings, wants, and needs. If they do not change their behavior and respect your requests, you should take a step back or even better, walk away, this is not someone looking for a 2-way relationship.
Set Boundaries
Boundary setting is a healthy, constructive way to move through life anyway but never more so than with a love-bomber. If you feel that you are being love-bombed, tighten your boundaries. Do not react in ways that negate you and your preferences just because you are afraid to lose him. No good man will let you go because you are honoring your boundaries. Tuning into how the other side reacts is the best evidence you need to better understand whether or not to continue investing in the relationship.
Confide
Don’t keep this to yourself, using your support system is essential. Those around you are able to give you an objective view of the situation so rely on friends, family members, support groups, and therapists who can help you understand what type of person you’re dealing with and how to appropriately respond. This is in fact the only power you have in the situation, so focus on you (versus them) and get all the support you need to empower yourself to navigate this in a healthy way.
Love Bombing: The Take Home
Just when we all felt safe again, knowing that the Uni-bomber was locked up for crimes committed, along comes the love-bomber who, when it comes to affairs of the heart, is the worst offender.
Love-bombers are skilled manipulators that play all sorts of tricks often leaving you in turmoil and utter confusion. The important thing to fully understand is that what you are dealing with is a borderline personality disorder (BPD), it is not for the faint-hearted.
Any psychologist will tell you that the main issue here is that individuals suffering from a BPD is that they don’t have ‘whole object relations’ and ‘object constancy’ meaning that their view is one-sided and subjective. They cannot experience both sides of the coin – the good and bad liked and disliked parts of the other person at the same time. Immediately upon them feeling or experiencing the negatives such as disappointment, anger, or the game isn’t going their way their feelings of love are likely to quickly disappear.
At the start of the relationship, they will truly believe they’ve finally found their soulmate (someone who they can love forever and that will love them back) and they will rain down compliments and positive declarations of love. Until that is, they don’t.
One minute you are the greatest thing since sliced bread e.g. I would drive 2 hours to be with you. No one ever showered you with this much attention. Everything you do is perfect. You are the most beautiful, special, and talented. Next, I don’t want to continue because we live too far apart.
When you want something too badly, you can be blinded to the reality of what is glaringly obvious and in front of your face. Tune in to your instincts and ask yourself – who is this person? Do you even know him? Where can you see this going? Sometimes, you may need some space and time for the information to digest but the truth is, you know. You just know.
